A Lesson in Perfection

First- it would be rude to start without a brief apology. It can hardly be said that I've been maintaining this blog with the incredible time that has lapsed between my last post and this one. For that, I apologize. To sum up, so much life has seemed to interfere- or I guess not "so much life" so much as "life," really.  In these weeks I've been away, we've moved to a new apartment (so the typical, pack, move, unpack, arrange, re-arrange, decorate, re-decorate, and paint- lots of paint), I've quit my job (so apply/reject, apply/reject, offer, contemplate, mull over- question thinking process over and over), and started another- a whole emotional rollercoaster of its own.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately of perfection.  For anyone who knows me, I have dedicated a great portion of my life and energies to perfection. I mean well, but at my core, I am a chronic perfectionist.  I want to do the best job possible, be the best possible, do as many "right" things as humanly possible, and on and on.  It isn't healthy, and for the most part I've learned to let go of the unhealthy portions of my "perfect motivations" but still- I want everything to go right.  All the time.  But the more I've thought about it lately, I think I've been addressing "perfect" the wrong direction.

I consider that Mimi and I have a pretty perfect relationship, but that being said, we have some pretty imperfect days- and regularly. In fact, things are by far not always "perfect." I have/had days at work that are/were awful- I would come home burdened, stressed, over-worked, and drained, and those feelings don't always make me a delight to be around.  Mimi has her own stresses- work, family, days that are way too long, as so on (though the official party stance is as follows: she is unaffected by these whims of life and is always delightful. ;-). )  Moreover, we are two female persons in a committed relationship who spend nearly every minute together and as can be expected - we argue, we fight, and we definitely disagree a lot of times. Over important things, but mostly ridiculous things, and it throws a huge wrench in those perfect days.

But the thing I've been thinking is- I don't think "perfect" means that everything aligns exactly right, that everyone says the exact right thing, and we only do the exact right thing every time.  I think "perfect" might mean- at the end of the day, the bad, "imperfect" moments, are merely a slight, and completely acceptable part, of an overall great great thing.  I think perfect is feeling bad knowing we've screamed when we shouldn't have, but not being afraid that we did- because nothing is changing.  I think perfect is building a home together, and knowing we've struggled to get here, and we'll struggle again, but it's worth it.  I think perfect is knowing the worst that could possibly come, is worth all the best that has already happened.  I think what we have is pretty perfect, and I think this is the kind of perfect I'll be striving for from now on.

The Importance of PRIDE

I wanted to take a moment as PRIDE festivals sweep the nation, and talk about what PRIDE does for us- gay and straight people alike.  (For those of you who don't know, a Pride event, is a celebration of LGBT individuals and their allies, normally featuring many rainbows, drag queens, information booths, and lots of glitter :). ) From my personal perspective, my first Pride event was huge.  I had never seen so many gay people in one place, or probably at all... ever.  It was eye-opening to see so many other gay people, and in Indiana of all places.  There were people who looked like me- in relationships with people who I might want to be with, with kids, pets, families... and so many people who looked nothing like me- and yet didn't have any problem whatsover with me, or my "gayness."  A few years later, this PRIDE meant more than that.  It meant a place where my friends, a straight couple, and myself and Mimi (a gay couple) could go together... and be equally in love, and spontaneously affectionate, and not have to worry about catching a side glance, or a head-on glare, or worse... no worry at all.  It was great.  I held Mimi's hand nearly the whole time, even occasionally sharing a kiss or two, and not once were we judged.  It was great.

On a broader scale, Pride is important because it tells a community, of gay and straight people alike, that the LGBT and ally community exists- on a large scale.  (Without knowing the exact numbers, I would guess that PRIDE this year was maybe twice the size of the first time I went, three years ago.)  To the maybe, or maybe not, supportive outside crowd it challenges common (mis)conceptions.  And to the LGBT persons inside or outside the event... it means a lot. It means there are other people like you, and other people not like you- who still like you. More to the point, it shows you that some of them are happy. Just as I was blown away to see happy lesbian couples with kids... so, I think, are other LGBT out there, who need to know there is life "this way."

Most importantly, perhaps, is the mission to continue to enlighten and reeducate.  Without events such as PRIDE, maybe people like "us" would slip to the background, or fail to have a public presence or face.  And without a face... with just a label, it's so much easier to hate. Sure, you can hate the homosexual, but can you hate me, and my girlfriend, and our friends? Who all in all are really just good kids, who are doing our best to make life, and love, and all that work? I don't know, maybe you can, but I'm going to guess it's harder.  I wonder how many people at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle over in Greensburg, IN have met a "homosexual"? I'm going to guess none that they've acknowledged.  Because this kind of hatred... has to be ignorant. If it isn't ignorant... if it's calculated... we're headed for terrifying places.

If you haven't seen the video already, check out the maybe 5 year old Indiana boy, singing an anti-gay song to a cheering congregation here.

But I don't want to leave this on a harsh note. Pride is serving a great purpose, and it's a heck of a lot of fun to boot.  I'm a little toastier than I was before I went, but otherwise no worse for wear, and Mimi and I have shared something really great- a glimpse at a future. Which can be hard for people like "us" to come by on occasion.

With love, pride, and no shame.  Until next time!

The Best Start to Another Year

Without a doubt, this has been the best birthday I've had in an incredibly long time.  I have never had anyone put so much care and detail into planning my birthday and it was fantastic. In fact, for the last several days, I have struggled with not having enough people I can tell how awesome my birthday was.  Because it was awesome.  So you all get to read about it. Yay, you :)

First, I woke up with white chocolate banana pancakes- my favorite :)- and a bottle of Starbuck's sugar free hazelnut syrup (my favorite.).  It's pitiful, but I loved playing barista again!

 And then we headed to Vintage Wine Fest 2012, which was incredible.  I baked, by the way, way sunburned, but it was a ton of fun.  If the wine fest comes around again next year, you should go.  You pay $22, get a tasting glass, and then walk around to a few dozen wineries and sample some 200-kinds of wine, eat some kettle corn, you know, the fair/festival deal. It was great!

Then it was back to the apartment to cool down and then surprise reservations at the Melting Pot. I hadn't been before, but all I can say is cheesy, chocolatey, gooey goodness- from start to finish!

the Melting Pot

When I was in school, my roommates and I turned Psych (from USA) into a tradition.  Nearly every Wednesday we set aside the hour, had people over, made snacks, and paused from school and stress and life to watch Psych. I love it. It's still one of my favorite shows- and it reminds me of my friends (especially the ones who are now far away.)  Anyway, all of that is to say that Mimi was not around for that the first time around, but... she bought me the seasons.  All of them :). So now she's in.  Seriously, an awesome present :)

Anyway, there's so much more to talk about. A Sunday full of relaxing, watching Psych, and sipping wine.  Flowers delivered to work on Monday, dinner with my best friends... The long and the short of it is, it was an incredible birthday.  Every day and every detail was thought out and made for me and... it was amazing :).   I don't know that I've ever had someone think through my birthday so completely.  And I feel really, really loved.

I'm a year older, and the way it's going so far... I think this could be the best year yet :).  I can't wait.

Life as Usual

First- an apology.  I have been exceptionally negligent, and for that I apologize. Life has been both over and underwhelming as of late, and all the same- quite busy! Anyway...

It is sad to say, but not much has happened since my last post! Just living, I guess.  Which has proven interesting on its own, though not necessarily in the ways it used to. Now we're experiencing those things that come only with relationship duration... and anyone who's been in a relationship longer than 2 months or so probably knows what I'm talking about. Those things that were super cute after a month, aren't so cute after 8 or so, and those things that were kind of annoying in the beginning are... well, you get it.  With each passing day the differences between you seem to outshine the similarities, and part of you wonders if the "learning about each other" part wasn't more fun, than the knowing it part.  When you "wonder" it's romantic and fun.  When you "know" it can just be frustrating to think that your understanding hasn't resolved your issues.

I can tell you without a doubt that Mimi and I are quite different.  We think differently, we act differently, we value different things.  And, without putting too fine a point on it, I worry, on a regular basis, if she won't wake up one day and realize that she's not quite so fascinated by me as she once thought she was.  Our differences were endearing in the beginning, but now... I worry sometimes.  I know I have to be frustrating.  I am obsessive, exact, critical, chaotic... all words that should probably be labeled and summed up as "stressful."  I tend to worry and involve others in my worry as well.  I obsess over my size and shape, but I keep doing the same things... hell, I have annoyed myself while writing this post.

The cool thing though is that while I have no doubt my idiosyncracies would drive myself crazy, luckily, she seems to want to stick around :).  I mean we conflict sometimes, and our differences are a big part of that, but at the end of the day- so worth it. Worth it every minute of every day. So nothing going on here, just living.  But the living feels good.

Shifting Diversity

More than once, as of late, I've been sitting in a room and suddenly realized, not only is the room around me incredibly diverse, but I am just as diverse as my surroundings. I know, I know, I don't look like it. Trust me, I get that all the time. At my job, I am the only Caucasian person in my department.  And I was told once, not in so many words, that given that, they didn't expect me to "be the way [I am.]"  It is true, I am very very white. And as far back as you go in my history, you won't find anything else. But in this world, "diversity" can involve so much more than race.

Last week, Mimi and I had St. Patrick's Day dinner at P.F. Chang's (not even kinda Irish, but what can you do!).  Dinner was wonderful, by the way, but I am a chronic people watcher and I couldn't help but look around.  In our little area, there were a half dozen combinations of people.  Immediately to our right was the 100% typical nuclear family-- white mother, white father, one son, one daughter. But to our left was a couple (clearly newly dating), black female, probably early 20's, white male, early 30's.  Across from us, Arabic male, white female, beautiful mixed child-- all speaking Spanish. Across from them a young black man and his (probably) Hispanic girlfriend.  And then of course there's us.  White female, Asian female.  If you want to dig deeper, we both have dual citizenship in other countries- for me, Canada, for her, Turkey. She's half-Korean, half-white, and oh yeah, I mean, we're gay, if that counts.  And in those things we are both different from each other and different than our surroundings and that makes us diverse as well.

And more to the point-- it gives me hope. Being an abomination myself, it gives me hope that what was considered just as abominable-- an interracial couple seated at the same table, even more, an interracial couple having children-- not that long ago is now commonplace at P.F. Chang's on a Saturday night.  And we're there too, maybe a little more secret than the other "different" couples, but we're there. And someday soon our waitress will look at us the same she does the others- like nothing's different.  Even though it's all different. We're all different.  And despite the cheesiness of the sentiment- that's what makes the world go round.

Love, Hurt, and Conflict Resolution

I have not been in many relationships before this one, but I have been in several, and to be honest: we didn't really fight (in any of my other relationships.)  Maybe a disagreement now and then, which usually I won, but no fighting... Quite frankly, if we really didn't see something the same way, we just broke up.  And that was it.

Mimi and I, however, we fight.  We fight over stupid things and important things and completely trivial things.  We fight when I feel lied to, or when I feel hurt, or when she feels like I'm not really understanding her.  And when we fight, we definitely fight about that-- I feel like she's mean when we fight, and she feels like I take things too personally and to be honest, I'm sure both of us are kinda right.

Don't get me wrong.  We don't fight all the time.  But we do fight.  And usually when something new comes up that we haven't experienced (together) yet.  But when I thought about it, I realized, this isn't all that surprising.  We have spent twenty-some years, learning, growing, and living- apart.  Not only that, but we have done all of that growing in living in distinctly different environments.  So it isn't remotely surprising that our reactions to life wouldn't always line up, and more so-- that those differences would, on occasion, cause conflict.  And it occurred to me yesterday in the made-up-aftermath of our most recent fight, that maybe the fighting isn't such a bad thing.  We never stop loving each other when we fight, and though we get angry- maybe this is stuff we need to figure out?

Right now, we're safe.  We just have each other to take care of, we don't have anyone else around listening to us argue about how to handle the money, or the car, or work, or whatever.  And that's stuff we need to figure out! Since we did not grow up together, these aren't things that we naturally agree on 100% of the time, and I'm really glad that I'm finally close enough to someone that it's worth debating through the issues, even when it doesn't feel so fun at the time.

So my words to you-- love, live, and fight it out.  It's worth it! (Or at least that's what I'm hoping :). )

My First Valentine

In 7th grade, I think I got about 4 or 5 teddy bears (of various shapes in sizes) from assorted boys.  In 8th grade, I had a "real" boyfriend (because of course all genuine relationships occur when one is 13) and that year I got the kissing Halmark bears (2003 version, of course. See picture :). )

That was a pretty good Valentine's Day.  One time in high school I was with a guy for a while and I think I got some flowers... but for the most part, my relationships have stacked themselves nicely around Valentine's Day.  I tend to start dating people towards the end of the year and then break up with them right before Valentine's Day (the worst was when I broke up with my last (ever) boyfriend, February 13th... yeah...) Then of course pick up someone else right after Valentine's Day and it all falls apart long before Valentine's comes along the following year.

But this year... I have a Valentine! (Also, I know I'm a bit behind in posting, but we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day until this weekend so I wanted to wait until all festivities were out of the way... in the interest of full disclosure :). )  Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday, as you know, which is not very convenient.  Work, life, and everything made it a bit difficult to celebrate, but we made do.  I had Valentine's Day (though I was specifically instructed to be very low-key...)  I crept out of bed at 5 am to get breakfast ready... Cheese Blintz's (Of the Low-Carb, Metabolism Miracle appropriate variety :) ), coffee, and flowers.

Maybe not as lasting as the kissing bears, but I think we're moving in the right direction :). Anywho, Mimi's part of Valentine's Day was this weekend... We have spent the entire weekend in a Valentine's Date, and it has been wonderful. Friday, I got presents: a wine aerator, and... a promise ring to match hers :). 

Saturday, we hit up the IMA, lunch, movies and on and on... without risk of boring you in a detailed play-by-play, it was a really great first (real) Valentine's Day.  I have never really appreciated the holiday, but I've got to say-- all things considered, it's not so bad :).

To Whom It Should Concern-- Responses

The first, and possibly only response, came through this morning from Dr. Marie Morris.  Personally, I really appreciated it.  I'm still trying to evaluate how/if I should respond.  But her response echos the kind of respect that I have hoped for all along:

Dear ----,

It was with sadness and disappointment that I read your letter describing the negative reception you received while recently on campus.  Regardless of whether you were holding hands with your girlfriend as you walked through the Haven, the student responses you described were clearly not reflective of the values we wish to foster (servant leadership, integrity, excellence, responsibility, and generosity).  You and your friend did not experience a generosity of spirit or hospitality and for that I am sorry.

As you articulated in your letter there will always be points of disagreement given our cultural understandings, our individual interpretations of Scripture, the way we were brought up, etc.  However, God’s love and salvation are for all.  Jesus so powerfully illustrated this over and over again in his life on this earth.

The young adult years are an intense time of exploration, learning, and growth.  My hope is that one day the students that displayed these hurtful responses toward you and your friend will understand that this was inappropriate and immature.  And, my commitment is, that we will be a campus that can agree and disagree in love where our Christian humility allows us to extend to one another a generosity of spirit.  I do believe it is possible for us as a Church of God school to yield to the current official position of the church on certain life matters and still be respectful of differences and share the love of Christ to one another.  Again, I regret that such was not your experience.

Thank you for taking the time to write to our leadership team.  Your effort to share this painful experience tells me that you do indeed care deeply about your alma mater and that you understand the value of communication in fostering growth.

I wish you God’s richest blessings as you make your way in this world.  Please keep in touch and let us know from time to time how you are doing. If you would like to have further conversation, please do not hesitate to call me.

Warmly,

Dr. Marie S. Morris

To Whom It Should Concern

My apologies ahead of time for the length of this post, but after the events of this weekend I decided to send a letter of concern to the powers that be at Anderson University.  The following was sent to Dr. James L Edwards, Dr. Marie Morris, and Dr. Brent Baker. (Note, I have removed only my name and address from the letter below):

31 January 2012

Anderson University
1100 East Fifth St
Anderson, IN 46012

To whom it should concern,

I graduated from Anderson University this past May, proud of the school I was a part of.  I had my share of difficulties at AU, but I still left it feeling part of that family.  I graduated with honors, completed a major and two minors, played in the band, worked with the theatre, held a student job, and was completely immersed in AU.  Meanwhile, I was closeted, from myself, and then from others for most of my time there.  I came out publicly only in the last weeks before graduation, and, overwhelmed by the support of friends, and some quiet, but well-wishing faculty, I imagined that perhaps some of my fears in my years there had been misplaced.

This weekend, while visiting AU, I remembered why I had been afraid, why I had been scared to live out all those years.  The first time my girlfriend and I walked through the Haven this past Saturday night, I felt several dozen eyes turn and stare with expressions ranging from confusion, to thinly-veiled disgust, to blatant hatred, zoning in on our hands clasped together.  A student reached out and grabbed at my girlfriend’s arm.  She stopped and he asked her something erroneous and inoffensive, but it didn’t feel right, so we answered quickly and walked away.  Some fifteen, twenty minutes later when we returned, they were ready. 

A group of a half-dozen students were staring from the second we stepped back into the room, and as soon as we appeared within earshot, they began.  I won’t repeat exactly what they said—in part, because it isn’t appropriate, and in part, because all of the hatred seemed to smack me in the face, and I rebelled against it.  I stopped listening, kept walking, and begged my girlfriend and my friends to follow suit.  The specifics of what was shouted at us, my friends had to recount to me later.  I am not proud of this.  I wish, in the moment, I had been strong enough to stand there and explain their ignorance, to face their lewd and sexually inappropriate taunts, to show I am stronger than their hatred.  But in the moment, I ran.  Though this lash-out was from only a room-full of people, it felt like the slap in the face I had always feared was coming.  It felt like the slap I was always afraid AU would land across my face.  And I know it is the culmination of a belief-system, and a culture that has been allowed at Anderson University for far too long.

I love Anderson University.  I invested four years of my life, more than a hundred thousand dollars, and any number of tears, laughs, and so much more in that place.  I have formed some of my closest and most intimate relationships.  I met and worked with faculty that changed my life.  But I also heard a lot that hurt.  Though I took part in a lot of enlightening debates, I also observed and a lot of painful ones where Biblical truths were twisted, and God was used to condemn people, groups, and so on.  I endured conversations on women’s role in life that made my stomach turn.  I listened to people vilify same-sex relationships and use God to do it.  I listened to a university president tell students never to expect a faculty member to say that “being homosexual is ok.”  I listened to a vice president express his concerns that publically discussing the (possible) blend of homosexuality and Christianity sounded too much like the “gay agenda passing through this country.”  And worse still, I heard these ideas repeated in the student body.  I heard Sunday school lectures repeated back about unnatural relations, and God-proclaimed inequality, and spouted like gospel. 

When these teachings lead a group of students to feel comfortable publicly ridiculing a couple they don’t agree with, they have gone too far.  I once heard it argued that the students who are against homosexuality have as much right as those for it to attend the school and express their opinions.  This is so.  But when a university and its teaching empower this kind of public hatred, something is terribly, terribly wrong.  The friends who currently or have previously attended AU have been horrified, but not surprised to hear of our experience.  In fact, not a single current/former student I have spoken with was surprised that we were taunted, belittled, and publicly degraded.  The reaction of friends and colleagues outside of the AU network to this interaction has been a mix of disgust, shock, and a seemingly-automatic, “well, you know Christians…”

What world do we live in?  What belief system do we support?  That public degradation is considered a typical Christian response.  What environment does AU claim that students aren’t even remotely surprised?  Even if every member of the AU student body and faculty believed to their core that my same-sex relationship condemns me to hell, what, in any of the teachings of Christianity suggests that such a response is appropriate?  Were Jesus himself in the Haven that day, would he have been sitting at a table, laughing at our exchange, or would he have been holding my other hand, shaking his head in sadness and disgust?  Which are the tables in the temple to be upturned?  Mine or theirs?  Which of us is the disgrace?

As you may already be aware, several different universities have begun conducting studies on the impact of a Christian college environment on homosexual students.  I, myself, have participated in two of these studies.  I hope someday soon these studies are published, and I hope someday sooner still Anderson University, along with other “Christ-centered” universities begins to understand the crisis that is instilling and empowering hatred deep within its students.  Lucky for everyone, I suppose, I am as insignificant as an alumni and my girlfriend as an innocent passerby.  What if I had been a potential student?  A potential benefactor? A faculty-member’s daughter?  Do you disapprove of me so much that you would want me and anyone I’m affiliated with to stay out of AU all together?  Though you may not agree with everything I have to say, I think I made a positive impact at AU while I was there, and though you may not want to, I think you would agree.

I had finally convinced myself that my fears were unfounded.  That though my beliefs might differ with some of the student body’s, at our core, we were Christ-centered, love-centered, individuals and that was the most important thing.  But the eyes staring at me Saturday, the words thrown at me and my friends, were not Christ or love-centered, and that kind of feeling is not born, it’s made, it’s grown, and Anderson University is feeding the flame.  I do not send these words, or these concerns, in anger or hatred.  I send these words, because too many of us have endured that kind of treatment, or live(d) in anxiety, because of what the “Christians” might do if they found out the truth.  Equal, fair, and loving treatment has nothing to do with who you think is “right” and “wrong.”  Disapprove of me if you will, but deny me the love of Christ, deny me the right to that same love, and deny everything the university and our belief system stands on.  You may not like that I’m gay, but you should be horrified that our faith, and our university is affiliated with this kind of hatred.  

Sincerely,

www.anderson.edu
 

Righteous Condemnation

For the most part, Mimi and I don't place too much stock in other's dissenting opinions.  It doesn't happen all the time, but if we're holding hands we get stares when we're shopping, or walking, or whichever.  Normally people don't say anything-- you can just feel looks of confusion, or the occasional look of thinly-veiled disgust.  But that's just the life.  Other people don't have to be happy about us, we're happy, and that's more than good enough.

And for the most part, we don't run into a lot of problems.  All of our mutual friends love us (obviously), so it's not an issue.  My coworkers could care less, Mimi has even attended several work events with me.  My family knows and loves her, and it's very easy to fall into this world where it feels like it we're not any different than anyone else.

And then I go back to places like Anderson University, and the world feels a little more narrow.  Anderson University is a Church of God school.  Included in the schools "lifestyle agreement" (which must be signed by all students) is a clause that says same-sex relationships are not allowed or appropriate. (I believe the last time the Church of God reviewed the spiritual validity of same-sex relationships was 1993.  The 1993 statute stands that homosexuals shouldn't be rejected, but also should not be encouraged or given any position of power or leadership in the church.  Anyway...)  

The first time Mimi and I walked through the cafe holding hands we felt forty or so people turn and stare.  Angry, angry stares.  Someone grabbed out and touched Mimi to say something-- nothing offensive, I don't think, just something, to touch one of "the lesbians."  I pulled her away and we kept going.  But when we came back, they were ready.  And I don't know what it is, but I found it hard to shake off the yelling judgement of a half dozen loud-mouth athletes, and a staring crowd.  They didn't say anything original.  Something about body parts I don't think it's appropriate to mention on the internet, and our faces, and let's just say it was offensive, ignorant, and rude.  My (straight) friend told them as much, and we just kept walking.

But it's the next morning and I still haven't shaken it off.  What I wonder, in all their Christ-empowered condemnation do they think Christ would approve of? Even if (and I do not believe as much) the God who created every living thing, myself and my love included, wasn't pleased with my choice of relationship, do you think he would should sexual insults at me as I passed? I happened to go to that school.  I graduated having taken many of the same classes those jerks are in now.  And though Anderson University taught me things I didn't necessarily agree with, they never taught me to expect a God like that-- and yet there the cool guys sit, trying to grab a hold of me or my girlfriend, excited for the show.

Not too long ago, interracial relationships were against the rules at that same school-- unequally yoked and what not.  Now any current student looks back on those times with disgust.  I look forward to the day when the same-sex relationship rule is regarded as the same-- outdated and ridiculous.  And we can look back on yelling jerks in the cafeteria with judgment, not me and Mimi, who just want to walk with our hands bound together.

Oh yeah, and one last thing...

You know what I'm excited for? The day when I don't have to tag along that death-sentence of a question-- "do you have an issue with same-sex couples?" before I show up somewhere with my girlfriend.  For most general life things, it's not an issue.  Well, it's not an issue, mostly, because we don't let it be an issue.  If someone has a problem it's their problem.  But after the first wedding-related place or two, I learned it was easier to call ahead and slip "it" (the gayness...) into conversation, or ask the question directly to protect me and mine.  The first place that we perused rings looked from me to her and back again and said, "so... you two are marrying each other?" When we said yes, he waved across the entire store and said, "yeah, well engagement rings are all throughout the store," and that's the last he spoke to us. Nothing makes a romantic moment less romantic, or more awkward. [Note: a more complete list of vendors/shops that we recommend and those that we don't will be published just as soon as we actually get to the engagement part ;-), but in the meantime, we'll leave it at some places are quite accommodating and some are not.]

Even the places that don't judge, still have a difficult time understanding.  This, of course, is far more forgivable, but at one particular shop I believe we had to articulate at least half a dozen times: "no, we're not best friends it's..."; "no, there are two brides because it's the same wedding"; "no, no, not a double wedding, we're getting married to each other."  And then to the next person we interacted with, "no, it's..." and all over again.  By the fifth person in, my best friend was introducing us as, "hi, they're getting married to each other!"

People mean well.  Well-- some people mean well.  Regardless, I'm excited for the day when "relationship" or "romantic" endeavors don't explain quite so much explanation, when my girlfriend is automatically my "very close best friend," when we don't get stopped in the street and asked, "is there a particular reason you're holding hands?*" [*True story.  Our first date.  That first tentative hand held and we got hassled by some drunk frat guys. Oh, the life.] Things are great now, and I certainly can't complain, but I have to admit I am very excited for that day when.

(Un)Traditional

I've realized something recently-- until Mimi I don't think I've ever really thought about getting married.  I mean, as a kid I did, but not seriously.  And then in college when all of the other girls had "wedding fever" (side effect of a Christian university, I think) I just wasn't that into it. When I started dating women I started visualizing what a wedding would be like, but this is toooootally different.  With an engagement promised for the future, there comes a wedding too...  And that presents its own host of excitements and issues...

It's complicated, when you get right down to it.  So far as I know, there are no set-in-stone "traditions" for our particular "untraditional" union.  Not to mention, we legally can't get married where we live, which means we have no choice but to go elsewhere.  On top of that, we (audaciously) would like a marriage, not a civil union, or a partnership or any of the rest of that b.s., which narrows our options even further. Though I may not have been planning a wedding as a kid, I did know I wanted to be married one day and that hasn't changed.  Now, lucky for me, a great deal of my family is from that much more tolerant country to the north, which gives us an easy way to go there-- but what about our friends? My immediate family? *stress*.

Even more pressing-- do we see each other's dresses before the wedding? How are we supposed to pick out dresses that don't conflict without seeing them first?! (Ok, I understand that leaving the country to get married probably sounds more urgent, but come on-- the one thing every girl does consider is the dress... I always thought I would surprise my spouse, but... is that even possible?) Do we have friends attend both fittings and hope they give good advice? Do we just give it all up and buy the dresses together? Do we see the other's dress, but not on her? I'm telling you-- stress. But happy stress :).  I'm off to my first preliminary shopping adventures today, as a matter of fact.  I'm waaaay ahead of the game (especially given we're not actually engaged... oops!) but these brides-to-be are going to have to budget-the-goodness out of this shindig so it's pre-shopping, budgeting, and planning for me. Eek... I'm so nervous! But really... excited, to be honest :).

I'm going to get married one day... for real. Go figure. :-)

The Nature of Commitment

I think as a society, we tend to link fear of commitment to men. But I don't think that's fair. At least not entirely.  Men, I think, are afraid of commitment (if/when they're afraid of commitment) because they don't like the impression it gives (to potential suitors, to their friends, etc.)  But women, at least this woman, can tend to fear commitment, not because of what it says to others-- we like that part, I think.  It says we're loved, we're taken care of, we don't have to worry anymore-- but because we fear what will happen if we're wrong...

If I say we're committed, and then I turn out to be wrong... eek.  Honestly, how many of us have felt that feeling?  That carpet-pulled-out-from-underneath-you-can't-believe-forever-went-so-fast kind of feeling? I'm guessing quite a few because that kind of tragic disappointment is an unfortunate part of life.  And then, to top it all off, not only are you in agony, you're embarrassed... (And shallow or not, as women, I think this is something we try ardently to avoid... especially women of our day and age.  We're supposed to be strong, confident, independent... and falling in love is ok.  We've given ourselves that. But falling in love alone....? Not for the "strong.") It is crushing to think that you look desperate as well as tragic.

That's a lot of jibber/jabber to say simply this: commitment is scary.  And for one reason or another, most of us are scared of it to some degree.  Sure, there are those who love to be in love, (hell, I love to be in love... as it turns out... tehehe), but even those people have got to be nervous on some level.  So when is it ok to announce love, then?  When is it ok to pledge commitment?   I don't know. I tend to think maybe there isn't an answer because quite frankly, there isn't a way to love or commit without risk.

Just food for thought.  The nature of the beast-- maybe you can't have love and comfort without a bit of risk.  And maybe, that's a price worth paying.  Anywho, crazy or not, ready or not, I'm committed, before God and the almighty internet. I'm hooked-- and prepared to face the shame and embarrassment and future pain if I end up loving in vain.  But... something has me not so worried :).

P.S. Worth the risk?

I think so :)

JoJo

A Cinderella Story-- Well, kinda

Our story, like an increasing amount of stories being lived these days, began on-- you guessed it-- the internet.  Yes, I know.  The internet.  (I would feel ashamed, but what are you doing right now as your read our story?  Connecting via the internet.  These days we shop online, read online, make friends online, even attend church online-- why not date that way too?  Granted there are morons online, but statistically speaking, aren't there bound to be a few winners, too? Anywho...)

I won't bore you with the details, but we went from one date to two dates to three dates to committed relationship (it's a lesbian thing.) And then... to break up, and then to back together, and then to break up again.... (definitely a lesbian thing) and finally, back together without an end in sight :).

Someone, *cough* Mimi *cough*, had a kind of Cinderella life... inattentive father, over-focused mother, step-siblings (some disguised as friends), and spent virtually all her time "cleaning up" after everyone else.  Anywho, apparently I didn't deserve to have to endure all of that drama, so I got left... a couple times. But if the shoe fits, it fits, and back she came :).  It has been... an adventure since.  After Cinderella snuck away from the dungeon they sent out the cavalry to find her and it wasn't pretty.  We played hide-and-seek from the internet and life, even ran away to Ohio for a few days to wait until the dogs were called off.  But, as most fairy tales do, this one seems to be headed towards a happy ending. (I've even met with the mother and lived to tell about it!)

But the great thing about my Cinderella, is I think I'm her Cinderella too :). I'll have to leave her to tell that story, but maybe that's what's been missing in the fairy tale all along... maybe Cinderella was really just waiting for her princess :).

There's a line, from "I Can't Think Straight" (which you should check out if you haven't seen it already) that I've always thought was beautiful, but never really understood-- "I want to be with someone ten years from now makes my heart jump when I hear her key in the door." I understand now.

And just for fun: My Cinderella fitting a white polar bear-slipper on my stubborn foot :)

JoJo