A Day in the Life of an Unreliable Blogger

I think we can establish at this point that I am a horrible blogger... The date on my last post is in early August... aka I sincerely doubt anyone will read this way out of context blog post, but that's ok :). I've come to terms with it.

Anyway, since we've left off... well, a lot has happened! We passed our one year mark a couple months ago in September - to be honest it's really hard to believe that that was already a few months ago.  But beyond the emotional and sentimental celebrations of eclipsing a year together, it means we're now encroaching upon the second of everything - which is a pretty special feeling. This is our second Thanksgiving, our second Christmas, our second set of birthdays. Someone asked me recently what "we typically do for Christmas." Here shortly, I'll actually have an answer. And that feels kind of nice!

For the record, thus far what we do for Christmas is decorate entirely too early.  This is the Christmas tree in our living room... literally right now :-). We both took a "decorating day" off of work, which personally, I'm hoping becomes a tradition as well.

We also have stockings on the mantel, though they don't quite match our personalities anymore (funny how that happens... right? We used them a year ago but somehow they don't make sense any more...) so we need to replace those... but otherwise it's "life as usual" with a crazy new degree of context to the "as usual" bit. It's nice. It's comfortable - that context. Anyway, that's the catch up. That's the day in the life - a year plus, and it's already Christmas here in the JoJoMimi household.  And at the speed time is moving, it will pretty rapidly be Christmas for everyone else as well.

Chicken, Hate, and the Value of a Sandwich

via NY Times

I would be remiss not to mention the chicken debate that has dominated news, tv, and radio this past week or so.  As you undoubtedly know, Dan Cathy, the President of Chik-fil-A recently released statements about his, his family, and his company's views on traditional family.

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.  We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that."


In addition to the comments above, Chik-fil-A confirmed that they have, in fact, contributed money to groups that are actively anti-LGBT, not simply anti-marriage equality.  These groups support practices such as gay conversion (where it is believed through psychological/physical manipulation one can re-program someone to no longer be LGBT, but return to their "natural" inner heterosexual), and criminalization of LGBT (which is exactly what is sounds like- groups that disapproved in "legalizing" gay, and are working to make it illegal to exhibit gay behavior, acts, etc.)  Up until now, Chik-fil-A has made no secret of its Christian roots, or its dedication to its beliefs- even closing on Sundays.  To my knowledge it has received little flack for that open behavior, nor should it.  Chik-fil-A and its affiliates are correct- Chik-fil-A has every right to its beliefs and practices.  They are privately-held, and so are their policies.  So in spite of what critics to the Chik-fil-A opposition are saying, I would like to make it very clear that in my opinion, the opposition to Chik-fil-A has little, if anything, to do with religion.

Put aside that the religious argument is illogical (the biblical definition of the family unit is wrought with a series of additional family members many forget- concubines, second, third, fourth wives, children of servants and slaves, sleeping with children, or perhaps ones' own father, re-marrying one's husband's brother, and so on), Dan Cathy has every right not to like me.  And again, let me say- I could care less.  I don't care that Dan Cathy, or Chik-fil-A doesn't like my family and my to-be family unit.  I don't care that Chik-fil-A doesn't want me to be married.  The owners of Chik-fil-A have every right to open their mouths and say whatever they please, and accordingly, open their wallets and put their money wherever they like.  But I certainly have a right to be offended by it.  As I am offended, not by Chik-fil-A, but by each and every friend, neighbor, and acquaintance who stood in line at Chik-fil-A on Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day earlier this week.  I am offended by every dollar that was put in the pockets of Chik-fil-A so they could turn around and use it against me.  And I'm offended by anyone who isn't offended.

There's been a lot of talk throughout this debate about the "intolerance" of those of us who oppose the statements and practices of Chik-fil-A.  To that I say, absolutely, I am intolerant of hatred.  I am intolerant of hateful speech, hateful practices, and hate groups. Conservative groups have rallied around Chik-fil-A as if they're defending their rights to believe differently.  Conservative groups have every right to believe, and even practice differently- but I don't understand why it is me who is expected to be the tolerant one.  Chik-fil-A is not tolerant of me, they are not tolerant of my family, they are not tolerant of my beliefs- so why must I smile along, shake hands, and say, "we all have our beliefs." Why isn't every fair-minded American completely intolerant of this intolerance?  If Chik-fil-A was supporting a hate group that opposed interracial marriage, or non-Christians, or black people- would all of the unaffected white Christians sit around un-offended? I should hope not.  I hope that in spite of not being directly affected by the hatred, those white Christians would spend differently.  I hope they would be incensed that this Christian organization was supporting groups that persecuted African Americans, or Jews, or inter-racial couples, or any other group that has been persecuted in the name of the Bible.  I would like to say that I would be offended for them.  Somehow, though, the same rules don't apply to me, yet.  The same rules of discrimination don't apply to LGBT.  Somehow, those who aren't LGBT are still allowed to debate and discuss whether or not they believe in my rights, whether or not they believe I deserve not to be discriminated against.  And because my rights to equality are up for debate, so is the merit of Chik-fil-A's stance.  But they are not up for debate with me, and so I brazenly suggest I have no obligation to be tolerant of this prejudice, and I resent any implication otherwise.

But by virtue of free speech, by virtue of those beliefs we hold so dear, do not confuse this social offense as a reason for governmental intervention.  In this regard, the conservative opposition is correct- we should not withold permits from this group, we should not attempt with rulings or lawsuits to excommunicate this organization.  But we should always remember that our wallets hold the key, and we are responsible for each dollar we spend.  So do you support not supporting equality? Do you support funding hatred? Then don't support it.  Don't spend another dollar on anti-LGBT companies and causes, Chik-fil-A included.  Support companies who do support equality.  Buy your coffee at Starbucks, shop at JC Penney.  We are a Capitalistic society and the strongest ties we have between us and change is our wallet.  Chik-fil-A has every right to belief/and do as they do- but you and I have every right to refuse to fund it.

A Lesson in Perfection

First- it would be rude to start without a brief apology. It can hardly be said that I've been maintaining this blog with the incredible time that has lapsed between my last post and this one. For that, I apologize. To sum up, so much life has seemed to interfere- or I guess not "so much life" so much as "life," really.  In these weeks I've been away, we've moved to a new apartment (so the typical, pack, move, unpack, arrange, re-arrange, decorate, re-decorate, and paint- lots of paint), I've quit my job (so apply/reject, apply/reject, offer, contemplate, mull over- question thinking process over and over), and started another- a whole emotional rollercoaster of its own.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately of perfection.  For anyone who knows me, I have dedicated a great portion of my life and energies to perfection. I mean well, but at my core, I am a chronic perfectionist.  I want to do the best job possible, be the best possible, do as many "right" things as humanly possible, and on and on.  It isn't healthy, and for the most part I've learned to let go of the unhealthy portions of my "perfect motivations" but still- I want everything to go right.  All the time.  But the more I've thought about it lately, I think I've been addressing "perfect" the wrong direction.

I consider that Mimi and I have a pretty perfect relationship, but that being said, we have some pretty imperfect days- and regularly. In fact, things are by far not always "perfect." I have/had days at work that are/were awful- I would come home burdened, stressed, over-worked, and drained, and those feelings don't always make me a delight to be around.  Mimi has her own stresses- work, family, days that are way too long, as so on (though the official party stance is as follows: she is unaffected by these whims of life and is always delightful. ;-). )  Moreover, we are two female persons in a committed relationship who spend nearly every minute together and as can be expected - we argue, we fight, and we definitely disagree a lot of times. Over important things, but mostly ridiculous things, and it throws a huge wrench in those perfect days.

But the thing I've been thinking is- I don't think "perfect" means that everything aligns exactly right, that everyone says the exact right thing, and we only do the exact right thing every time.  I think "perfect" might mean- at the end of the day, the bad, "imperfect" moments, are merely a slight, and completely acceptable part, of an overall great great thing.  I think perfect is feeling bad knowing we've screamed when we shouldn't have, but not being afraid that we did- because nothing is changing.  I think perfect is building a home together, and knowing we've struggled to get here, and we'll struggle again, but it's worth it.  I think perfect is knowing the worst that could possibly come, is worth all the best that has already happened.  I think what we have is pretty perfect, and I think this is the kind of perfect I'll be striving for from now on.

The Importance of PRIDE

I wanted to take a moment as PRIDE festivals sweep the nation, and talk about what PRIDE does for us- gay and straight people alike.  (For those of you who don't know, a Pride event, is a celebration of LGBT individuals and their allies, normally featuring many rainbows, drag queens, information booths, and lots of glitter :). ) From my personal perspective, my first Pride event was huge.  I had never seen so many gay people in one place, or probably at all... ever.  It was eye-opening to see so many other gay people, and in Indiana of all places.  There were people who looked like me- in relationships with people who I might want to be with, with kids, pets, families... and so many people who looked nothing like me- and yet didn't have any problem whatsover with me, or my "gayness."  A few years later, this PRIDE meant more than that.  It meant a place where my friends, a straight couple, and myself and Mimi (a gay couple) could go together... and be equally in love, and spontaneously affectionate, and not have to worry about catching a side glance, or a head-on glare, or worse... no worry at all.  It was great.  I held Mimi's hand nearly the whole time, even occasionally sharing a kiss or two, and not once were we judged.  It was great.

On a broader scale, Pride is important because it tells a community, of gay and straight people alike, that the LGBT and ally community exists- on a large scale.  (Without knowing the exact numbers, I would guess that PRIDE this year was maybe twice the size of the first time I went, three years ago.)  To the maybe, or maybe not, supportive outside crowd it challenges common (mis)conceptions.  And to the LGBT persons inside or outside the event... it means a lot. It means there are other people like you, and other people not like you- who still like you. More to the point, it shows you that some of them are happy. Just as I was blown away to see happy lesbian couples with kids... so, I think, are other LGBT out there, who need to know there is life "this way."

Most importantly, perhaps, is the mission to continue to enlighten and reeducate.  Without events such as PRIDE, maybe people like "us" would slip to the background, or fail to have a public presence or face.  And without a face... with just a label, it's so much easier to hate. Sure, you can hate the homosexual, but can you hate me, and my girlfriend, and our friends? Who all in all are really just good kids, who are doing our best to make life, and love, and all that work? I don't know, maybe you can, but I'm going to guess it's harder.  I wonder how many people at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle over in Greensburg, IN have met a "homosexual"? I'm going to guess none that they've acknowledged.  Because this kind of hatred... has to be ignorant. If it isn't ignorant... if it's calculated... we're headed for terrifying places.

If you haven't seen the video already, check out the maybe 5 year old Indiana boy, singing an anti-gay song to a cheering congregation here.

But I don't want to leave this on a harsh note. Pride is serving a great purpose, and it's a heck of a lot of fun to boot.  I'm a little toastier than I was before I went, but otherwise no worse for wear, and Mimi and I have shared something really great- a glimpse at a future. Which can be hard for people like "us" to come by on occasion.

With love, pride, and no shame.  Until next time!

The Best Start to Another Year

Without a doubt, this has been the best birthday I've had in an incredibly long time.  I have never had anyone put so much care and detail into planning my birthday and it was fantastic. In fact, for the last several days, I have struggled with not having enough people I can tell how awesome my birthday was.  Because it was awesome.  So you all get to read about it. Yay, you :)

First, I woke up with white chocolate banana pancakes- my favorite :)- and a bottle of Starbuck's sugar free hazelnut syrup (my favorite.).  It's pitiful, but I loved playing barista again!

 And then we headed to Vintage Wine Fest 2012, which was incredible.  I baked, by the way, way sunburned, but it was a ton of fun.  If the wine fest comes around again next year, you should go.  You pay $22, get a tasting glass, and then walk around to a few dozen wineries and sample some 200-kinds of wine, eat some kettle corn, you know, the fair/festival deal. It was great!

Then it was back to the apartment to cool down and then surprise reservations at the Melting Pot. I hadn't been before, but all I can say is cheesy, chocolatey, gooey goodness- from start to finish!

the Melting Pot

When I was in school, my roommates and I turned Psych (from USA) into a tradition.  Nearly every Wednesday we set aside the hour, had people over, made snacks, and paused from school and stress and life to watch Psych. I love it. It's still one of my favorite shows- and it reminds me of my friends (especially the ones who are now far away.)  Anyway, all of that is to say that Mimi was not around for that the first time around, but... she bought me the seasons.  All of them :). So now she's in.  Seriously, an awesome present :)

Anyway, there's so much more to talk about. A Sunday full of relaxing, watching Psych, and sipping wine.  Flowers delivered to work on Monday, dinner with my best friends... The long and the short of it is, it was an incredible birthday.  Every day and every detail was thought out and made for me and... it was amazing :).   I don't know that I've ever had someone think through my birthday so completely.  And I feel really, really loved.

I'm a year older, and the way it's going so far... I think this could be the best year yet :).  I can't wait.

Life as Usual

First- an apology.  I have been exceptionally negligent, and for that I apologize. Life has been both over and underwhelming as of late, and all the same- quite busy! Anyway...

It is sad to say, but not much has happened since my last post! Just living, I guess.  Which has proven interesting on its own, though not necessarily in the ways it used to. Now we're experiencing those things that come only with relationship duration... and anyone who's been in a relationship longer than 2 months or so probably knows what I'm talking about. Those things that were super cute after a month, aren't so cute after 8 or so, and those things that were kind of annoying in the beginning are... well, you get it.  With each passing day the differences between you seem to outshine the similarities, and part of you wonders if the "learning about each other" part wasn't more fun, than the knowing it part.  When you "wonder" it's romantic and fun.  When you "know" it can just be frustrating to think that your understanding hasn't resolved your issues.

I can tell you without a doubt that Mimi and I are quite different.  We think differently, we act differently, we value different things.  And, without putting too fine a point on it, I worry, on a regular basis, if she won't wake up one day and realize that she's not quite so fascinated by me as she once thought she was.  Our differences were endearing in the beginning, but now... I worry sometimes.  I know I have to be frustrating.  I am obsessive, exact, critical, chaotic... all words that should probably be labeled and summed up as "stressful."  I tend to worry and involve others in my worry as well.  I obsess over my size and shape, but I keep doing the same things... hell, I have annoyed myself while writing this post.

The cool thing though is that while I have no doubt my idiosyncracies would drive myself crazy, luckily, she seems to want to stick around :).  I mean we conflict sometimes, and our differences are a big part of that, but at the end of the day- so worth it. Worth it every minute of every day. So nothing going on here, just living.  But the living feels good.

I think I was blind

On my second date with Mimi, I made her dinner and she brought me a mixed CD. Yep, a mixed CD. I've only been made one other mixed CD by a suitor and this is the only one I accepted ;-).  The thing about me with music is I like it, I really do, but I'm not passionate about it, I'm not going to seek it out.  If I hear something I like I can fall head over heels in love with it, tears streaking down my face, the whole bit, but for whatever reason I don't generally go seeking out new music.  Mimi does.  I've hung out with a whole lot of different kinds of music geeks, but she might beat them all.  When the right song is on her whole demeanor changes.  Her body tenses as she waits to hear where the song will take her and then she practically explodes as it takes her through the song- only halfway through of course, because halfway through she's perched on the edge of her seat, biting her bottom lip, looking for the next song- and she tenses up again.  It's adorable. And infuriating, actually. Truly infuriating. I don't consider myself self-centered, but by the 3rd song in my nose flares like that of a petulant child- because clearly she's paying more attention to the music then to me, and that is simply not acceptable. But it's a hard sell because I have to say I am never more in love with her or more infuriated by her then when she's bouncing from song to song to song to song.... (you get the idea.)

But back to the mixed CD.  On our second date, only a couple of weeks into us talking, she made me a mixed CD.  The CD was full of songs that were fun to listen to, some I'd heard before.  A whole lot I hadn't.  But hidden not too far into that CD- 6 tracks to be exact- was The First Day of My Life, by Bright Eyes.  I found out later that it's the track her friends almost talked her out of putting on there, but it was absolutely the track that made me fall in love with her- or at least willing to fall in love with her.  I was pretty beat up and bruised from my last bout with love, but the song... well, you should all follow the link if you haven't heard it before because it's incredible.  It'll make you fall in love.

A few Sundays ago I made a little addition to my person because I felt like I had to. It was too true to not want to capture the sentiment forever... I hope you like it :)

Courtesy of Voluta

New Adventures: Part I

(Please consider this post from last Sunday... we have been internet-less until yesterday, so I'm way behind.  Sorry!)

I may have mentioned before (on Twitter, if not here) that I’m essentially 67 years old.  Mimi’s not quite as old as I am.  Together we probably average out to a content 55 year old couple.  We drink red wine. We go to bed by 10:30.  And our normal night time line up involves some combination of Golden Girls and Everybody Loves Raymond.  Anyway… it means we have very many completely content nights, but we run the risk of letting our dating life become stale.  To avoid this tragic fate (our technical age, after all, is half our functional age… ), we have committed to doing new things.  So each month, we are going to do one completely new thing (not necessarily something we’ve never done before, but something we’ve never done together), and eat somewhere new (we are, after all, in the midst of many, many great restaurants/pubs/so on and we have yet to discover nearly enough of them!).

For April, we’re already two for two.  Over Easter, we went target shooting… yes, shooting.  If you don’t know me, that probably doesn’t sound nearly as alarming as it really is—I shot a gun.  Quite a few times.  100% Democrat; 67% Pacifist; 100% terrified of guns, me, went shooting.  Eek! I was trying to lose some of my fear of guns… I’m not so sure it worked.  I could shoot the 22 I was given without too much issue, but each time I heard any of the guns around me go off I jumped, and when my uncle convinced me I really did want to shoot the glock he was using—I nearly cried.  My whole body jerked with each shot (major kick on that thing) and you could practically feel the fire coming out of it.  Mimi on the other hand looked like she’d found her calling.  (Seriously… I was a little terrified!) BUT that’s hardly the point.  We did something totally new, and to be frank, something I was terrified of, and it was great!  We can call April a success.  As for May… we’ll keep you posted!

Trademarks of a Lesbian Household

So I was looking around our apartment the other day, and realized that we probably have some distinctly lesbian themes and I never thought about it...

So for a twist on the classic "You Know You're a Redneck", we proudly introduce: You Know It's a Lesbian House If....

1. You have hundreds of hair ties and tampons....somewhere... but you can't find a single one of either.
2. Instead of discarding old shoes, you now put them in their own pile and designate them "spider-killing-shoes."
3. Someone cries, at least once every other day-- not necessarily because their sad, or  angry, but because there's so much estrogen floating around, people just cry spontaneously.  
4. All 7 seasons of Golden Girls are sitting on the shelf (to be fair this could be applied to a gay household as well.)
5. There are shoes everywhere. Not just a few shoes, not some shoes, so many shoes, and everywhere.
6. Your primary criteria for a new home is the closet space.
7. Your coffee table is compiled of a conflicting mix of feminist and chauvinistic magazines (hey, if Kaley Cuoco is on the cover, it's worth buying...)
8. You have at least a dozen movies no (straight) person has ever heard of.
9. Most of what comes into or out of the apartment is packaged in Trader Joe's or Whole Foods Bags.
10. You can't wait to be wrapped in the arms of the woman you love :-)

Happy Monday everybody!

Shifting Diversity

More than once, as of late, I've been sitting in a room and suddenly realized, not only is the room around me incredibly diverse, but I am just as diverse as my surroundings. I know, I know, I don't look like it. Trust me, I get that all the time. At my job, I am the only Caucasian person in my department.  And I was told once, not in so many words, that given that, they didn't expect me to "be the way [I am.]"  It is true, I am very very white. And as far back as you go in my history, you won't find anything else. But in this world, "diversity" can involve so much more than race.

Last week, Mimi and I had St. Patrick's Day dinner at P.F. Chang's (not even kinda Irish, but what can you do!).  Dinner was wonderful, by the way, but I am a chronic people watcher and I couldn't help but look around.  In our little area, there were a half dozen combinations of people.  Immediately to our right was the 100% typical nuclear family-- white mother, white father, one son, one daughter. But to our left was a couple (clearly newly dating), black female, probably early 20's, white male, early 30's.  Across from us, Arabic male, white female, beautiful mixed child-- all speaking Spanish. Across from them a young black man and his (probably) Hispanic girlfriend.  And then of course there's us.  White female, Asian female.  If you want to dig deeper, we both have dual citizenship in other countries- for me, Canada, for her, Turkey. She's half-Korean, half-white, and oh yeah, I mean, we're gay, if that counts.  And in those things we are both different from each other and different than our surroundings and that makes us diverse as well.

And more to the point-- it gives me hope. Being an abomination myself, it gives me hope that what was considered just as abominable-- an interracial couple seated at the same table, even more, an interracial couple having children-- not that long ago is now commonplace at P.F. Chang's on a Saturday night.  And we're there too, maybe a little more secret than the other "different" couples, but we're there. And someday soon our waitress will look at us the same she does the others- like nothing's different.  Even though it's all different. We're all different.  And despite the cheesiness of the sentiment- that's what makes the world go round.

Let Me Get This Straight

First, I would like to apologize, this is far more political then I generally let this blog go. Second, this has nothing to do with me and Mimi-- except, it does.

As a non-heterosexual female, I generally stay away from issues of birth control, abortion, and the like.  I don't figure it's very fair-- my odds of an accidental pregnancy are... well I just don't figure I have a lot of room to cast a vote.(Once in a social entrepreneurship class in college, during a conversation on the morality of abortion the one non-female person in our class tried to defend a strictly pro-life argument... he was quickly informed he was not allowed to weigh-in on that particular discussion.)  The point is: I don't feel it's fair to weigh in on a situation I could never be in. And I stand by that.

But that's not the point.  I looked up the info on the Planned Parenthood website because of all the hullabaloo that's been going on lately across the country.  I've read the tweets (@PPact) and followed the stories, but I wanted to see how the #s play out.  This is what I see for 2010:

Service Breakdown:

• 38%    - STI/STD testing and treatment
• 33.5% - Contraception
• 14.5% - Cancer Screening and Prevention
• 10.4% - Other Women's Health Services
• 3%      - Abortions
• 0.6%   - Other Services

From my understanding, the argument/defense of the Republicans fighting to end funding for Planned Parenthood (and other family planning services) is that they are not making birth control (or other services) illegal, they're just making people pay for them on their own... hmmm... on their own.  Is this with the health care that (those same) Republicans are trying to take away my access to? So as a young female, early in her career, who may/may not have access to good health care I'm supposed to... what? 

We're not talking about selfish services here.  STI/STD prevention/treatment has a distinctly positive effect on a large-scale. Contraception gives us as a society, and specifically women, the chance to chose when we are or are not ready to bring life into the world-- again, a distinctly positive impact on a society that cannot afford to have more mouths to feed than food to feed them.  Breast cancer screenings... they have nothing to do with sex.  Nothing to do with anything anyone could dare cast a moral judgment on and yet we are so quick to deny care.

We can't have it both ways.  We can't spend day in and day out pushing the vital, undeniable importance of the nuclear family and then toss women to the curb and hope they survive.  I've realized in these last few months that the entirety of the women's health debate is so much bigger than sex.  This is so much more than abortion.  This is about priorities.  It has been proven in study after study, where women go their families go.  And now the same party that has fought for "perfect" families, is fighting to cut funding for women's health, and further to make it harder for any of us- male or female- to have access to the health care we need to pay for those services for ourselves.

I just don't get it.  The entire matter ridiculous- but they're doing it.  They're winning. States are agreeing to cut funds, and casting their vote that women aren't all that important.  I disagree.  We are important.  And I shudder to think what the impact will be on us as a society, male and female, if they are successful.  Less screenings means more stds; less birth control means more ill-timed pregnancies; less care means more preventable deaths. Personally, even though not all of those services apply to me- they're worth my tax dollars. Are they worth yours?

Love, Hurt, and Conflict Resolution

I have not been in many relationships before this one, but I have been in several, and to be honest: we didn't really fight (in any of my other relationships.)  Maybe a disagreement now and then, which usually I won, but no fighting... Quite frankly, if we really didn't see something the same way, we just broke up.  And that was it.

Mimi and I, however, we fight.  We fight over stupid things and important things and completely trivial things.  We fight when I feel lied to, or when I feel hurt, or when she feels like I'm not really understanding her.  And when we fight, we definitely fight about that-- I feel like she's mean when we fight, and she feels like I take things too personally and to be honest, I'm sure both of us are kinda right.

Don't get me wrong.  We don't fight all the time.  But we do fight.  And usually when something new comes up that we haven't experienced (together) yet.  But when I thought about it, I realized, this isn't all that surprising.  We have spent twenty-some years, learning, growing, and living- apart.  Not only that, but we have done all of that growing in living in distinctly different environments.  So it isn't remotely surprising that our reactions to life wouldn't always line up, and more so-- that those differences would, on occasion, cause conflict.  And it occurred to me yesterday in the made-up-aftermath of our most recent fight, that maybe the fighting isn't such a bad thing.  We never stop loving each other when we fight, and though we get angry- maybe this is stuff we need to figure out?

Right now, we're safe.  We just have each other to take care of, we don't have anyone else around listening to us argue about how to handle the money, or the car, or work, or whatever.  And that's stuff we need to figure out! Since we did not grow up together, these aren't things that we naturally agree on 100% of the time, and I'm really glad that I'm finally close enough to someone that it's worth debating through the issues, even when it doesn't feel so fun at the time.

So my words to you-- love, live, and fight it out.  It's worth it! (Or at least that's what I'm hoping :). )

My First Valentine

In 7th grade, I think I got about 4 or 5 teddy bears (of various shapes in sizes) from assorted boys.  In 8th grade, I had a "real" boyfriend (because of course all genuine relationships occur when one is 13) and that year I got the kissing Halmark bears (2003 version, of course. See picture :). )

That was a pretty good Valentine's Day.  One time in high school I was with a guy for a while and I think I got some flowers... but for the most part, my relationships have stacked themselves nicely around Valentine's Day.  I tend to start dating people towards the end of the year and then break up with them right before Valentine's Day (the worst was when I broke up with my last (ever) boyfriend, February 13th... yeah...) Then of course pick up someone else right after Valentine's Day and it all falls apart long before Valentine's comes along the following year.

But this year... I have a Valentine! (Also, I know I'm a bit behind in posting, but we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day until this weekend so I wanted to wait until all festivities were out of the way... in the interest of full disclosure :). )  Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday, as you know, which is not very convenient.  Work, life, and everything made it a bit difficult to celebrate, but we made do.  I had Valentine's Day (though I was specifically instructed to be very low-key...)  I crept out of bed at 5 am to get breakfast ready... Cheese Blintz's (Of the Low-Carb, Metabolism Miracle appropriate variety :) ), coffee, and flowers.

Maybe not as lasting as the kissing bears, but I think we're moving in the right direction :). Anywho, Mimi's part of Valentine's Day was this weekend... We have spent the entire weekend in a Valentine's Date, and it has been wonderful. Friday, I got presents: a wine aerator, and... a promise ring to match hers :). 

Saturday, we hit up the IMA, lunch, movies and on and on... without risk of boring you in a detailed play-by-play, it was a really great first (real) Valentine's Day.  I have never really appreciated the holiday, but I've got to say-- all things considered, it's not so bad :).

To Whom It Should Concern-- Responses

The first, and possibly only response, came through this morning from Dr. Marie Morris.  Personally, I really appreciated it.  I'm still trying to evaluate how/if I should respond.  But her response echos the kind of respect that I have hoped for all along:

Dear ----,

It was with sadness and disappointment that I read your letter describing the negative reception you received while recently on campus.  Regardless of whether you were holding hands with your girlfriend as you walked through the Haven, the student responses you described were clearly not reflective of the values we wish to foster (servant leadership, integrity, excellence, responsibility, and generosity).  You and your friend did not experience a generosity of spirit or hospitality and for that I am sorry.

As you articulated in your letter there will always be points of disagreement given our cultural understandings, our individual interpretations of Scripture, the way we were brought up, etc.  However, God’s love and salvation are for all.  Jesus so powerfully illustrated this over and over again in his life on this earth.

The young adult years are an intense time of exploration, learning, and growth.  My hope is that one day the students that displayed these hurtful responses toward you and your friend will understand that this was inappropriate and immature.  And, my commitment is, that we will be a campus that can agree and disagree in love where our Christian humility allows us to extend to one another a generosity of spirit.  I do believe it is possible for us as a Church of God school to yield to the current official position of the church on certain life matters and still be respectful of differences and share the love of Christ to one another.  Again, I regret that such was not your experience.

Thank you for taking the time to write to our leadership team.  Your effort to share this painful experience tells me that you do indeed care deeply about your alma mater and that you understand the value of communication in fostering growth.

I wish you God’s richest blessings as you make your way in this world.  Please keep in touch and let us know from time to time how you are doing. If you would like to have further conversation, please do not hesitate to call me.

Warmly,

Dr. Marie S. Morris

To Whom It Should Concern

My apologies ahead of time for the length of this post, but after the events of this weekend I decided to send a letter of concern to the powers that be at Anderson University.  The following was sent to Dr. James L Edwards, Dr. Marie Morris, and Dr. Brent Baker. (Note, I have removed only my name and address from the letter below):

31 January 2012

Anderson University
1100 East Fifth St
Anderson, IN 46012

To whom it should concern,

I graduated from Anderson University this past May, proud of the school I was a part of.  I had my share of difficulties at AU, but I still left it feeling part of that family.  I graduated with honors, completed a major and two minors, played in the band, worked with the theatre, held a student job, and was completely immersed in AU.  Meanwhile, I was closeted, from myself, and then from others for most of my time there.  I came out publicly only in the last weeks before graduation, and, overwhelmed by the support of friends, and some quiet, but well-wishing faculty, I imagined that perhaps some of my fears in my years there had been misplaced.

This weekend, while visiting AU, I remembered why I had been afraid, why I had been scared to live out all those years.  The first time my girlfriend and I walked through the Haven this past Saturday night, I felt several dozen eyes turn and stare with expressions ranging from confusion, to thinly-veiled disgust, to blatant hatred, zoning in on our hands clasped together.  A student reached out and grabbed at my girlfriend’s arm.  She stopped and he asked her something erroneous and inoffensive, but it didn’t feel right, so we answered quickly and walked away.  Some fifteen, twenty minutes later when we returned, they were ready. 

A group of a half-dozen students were staring from the second we stepped back into the room, and as soon as we appeared within earshot, they began.  I won’t repeat exactly what they said—in part, because it isn’t appropriate, and in part, because all of the hatred seemed to smack me in the face, and I rebelled against it.  I stopped listening, kept walking, and begged my girlfriend and my friends to follow suit.  The specifics of what was shouted at us, my friends had to recount to me later.  I am not proud of this.  I wish, in the moment, I had been strong enough to stand there and explain their ignorance, to face their lewd and sexually inappropriate taunts, to show I am stronger than their hatred.  But in the moment, I ran.  Though this lash-out was from only a room-full of people, it felt like the slap in the face I had always feared was coming.  It felt like the slap I was always afraid AU would land across my face.  And I know it is the culmination of a belief-system, and a culture that has been allowed at Anderson University for far too long.

I love Anderson University.  I invested four years of my life, more than a hundred thousand dollars, and any number of tears, laughs, and so much more in that place.  I have formed some of my closest and most intimate relationships.  I met and worked with faculty that changed my life.  But I also heard a lot that hurt.  Though I took part in a lot of enlightening debates, I also observed and a lot of painful ones where Biblical truths were twisted, and God was used to condemn people, groups, and so on.  I endured conversations on women’s role in life that made my stomach turn.  I listened to people vilify same-sex relationships and use God to do it.  I listened to a university president tell students never to expect a faculty member to say that “being homosexual is ok.”  I listened to a vice president express his concerns that publically discussing the (possible) blend of homosexuality and Christianity sounded too much like the “gay agenda passing through this country.”  And worse still, I heard these ideas repeated in the student body.  I heard Sunday school lectures repeated back about unnatural relations, and God-proclaimed inequality, and spouted like gospel. 

When these teachings lead a group of students to feel comfortable publicly ridiculing a couple they don’t agree with, they have gone too far.  I once heard it argued that the students who are against homosexuality have as much right as those for it to attend the school and express their opinions.  This is so.  But when a university and its teaching empower this kind of public hatred, something is terribly, terribly wrong.  The friends who currently or have previously attended AU have been horrified, but not surprised to hear of our experience.  In fact, not a single current/former student I have spoken with was surprised that we were taunted, belittled, and publicly degraded.  The reaction of friends and colleagues outside of the AU network to this interaction has been a mix of disgust, shock, and a seemingly-automatic, “well, you know Christians…”

What world do we live in?  What belief system do we support?  That public degradation is considered a typical Christian response.  What environment does AU claim that students aren’t even remotely surprised?  Even if every member of the AU student body and faculty believed to their core that my same-sex relationship condemns me to hell, what, in any of the teachings of Christianity suggests that such a response is appropriate?  Were Jesus himself in the Haven that day, would he have been sitting at a table, laughing at our exchange, or would he have been holding my other hand, shaking his head in sadness and disgust?  Which are the tables in the temple to be upturned?  Mine or theirs?  Which of us is the disgrace?

As you may already be aware, several different universities have begun conducting studies on the impact of a Christian college environment on homosexual students.  I, myself, have participated in two of these studies.  I hope someday soon these studies are published, and I hope someday sooner still Anderson University, along with other “Christ-centered” universities begins to understand the crisis that is instilling and empowering hatred deep within its students.  Lucky for everyone, I suppose, I am as insignificant as an alumni and my girlfriend as an innocent passerby.  What if I had been a potential student?  A potential benefactor? A faculty-member’s daughter?  Do you disapprove of me so much that you would want me and anyone I’m affiliated with to stay out of AU all together?  Though you may not agree with everything I have to say, I think I made a positive impact at AU while I was there, and though you may not want to, I think you would agree.

I had finally convinced myself that my fears were unfounded.  That though my beliefs might differ with some of the student body’s, at our core, we were Christ-centered, love-centered, individuals and that was the most important thing.  But the eyes staring at me Saturday, the words thrown at me and my friends, were not Christ or love-centered, and that kind of feeling is not born, it’s made, it’s grown, and Anderson University is feeding the flame.  I do not send these words, or these concerns, in anger or hatred.  I send these words, because too many of us have endured that kind of treatment, or live(d) in anxiety, because of what the “Christians” might do if they found out the truth.  Equal, fair, and loving treatment has nothing to do with who you think is “right” and “wrong.”  Disapprove of me if you will, but deny me the love of Christ, deny me the right to that same love, and deny everything the university and our belief system stands on.  You may not like that I’m gay, but you should be horrified that our faith, and our university is affiliated with this kind of hatred.  

Sincerely,

www.anderson.edu
 

Righteous Condemnation

For the most part, Mimi and I don't place too much stock in other's dissenting opinions.  It doesn't happen all the time, but if we're holding hands we get stares when we're shopping, or walking, or whichever.  Normally people don't say anything-- you can just feel looks of confusion, or the occasional look of thinly-veiled disgust.  But that's just the life.  Other people don't have to be happy about us, we're happy, and that's more than good enough.

And for the most part, we don't run into a lot of problems.  All of our mutual friends love us (obviously), so it's not an issue.  My coworkers could care less, Mimi has even attended several work events with me.  My family knows and loves her, and it's very easy to fall into this world where it feels like it we're not any different than anyone else.

And then I go back to places like Anderson University, and the world feels a little more narrow.  Anderson University is a Church of God school.  Included in the schools "lifestyle agreement" (which must be signed by all students) is a clause that says same-sex relationships are not allowed or appropriate. (I believe the last time the Church of God reviewed the spiritual validity of same-sex relationships was 1993.  The 1993 statute stands that homosexuals shouldn't be rejected, but also should not be encouraged or given any position of power or leadership in the church.  Anyway...)  

The first time Mimi and I walked through the cafe holding hands we felt forty or so people turn and stare.  Angry, angry stares.  Someone grabbed out and touched Mimi to say something-- nothing offensive, I don't think, just something, to touch one of "the lesbians."  I pulled her away and we kept going.  But when we came back, they were ready.  And I don't know what it is, but I found it hard to shake off the yelling judgement of a half dozen loud-mouth athletes, and a staring crowd.  They didn't say anything original.  Something about body parts I don't think it's appropriate to mention on the internet, and our faces, and let's just say it was offensive, ignorant, and rude.  My (straight) friend told them as much, and we just kept walking.

But it's the next morning and I still haven't shaken it off.  What I wonder, in all their Christ-empowered condemnation do they think Christ would approve of? Even if (and I do not believe as much) the God who created every living thing, myself and my love included, wasn't pleased with my choice of relationship, do you think he would should sexual insults at me as I passed? I happened to go to that school.  I graduated having taken many of the same classes those jerks are in now.  And though Anderson University taught me things I didn't necessarily agree with, they never taught me to expect a God like that-- and yet there the cool guys sit, trying to grab a hold of me or my girlfriend, excited for the show.

Not too long ago, interracial relationships were against the rules at that same school-- unequally yoked and what not.  Now any current student looks back on those times with disgust.  I look forward to the day when the same-sex relationship rule is regarded as the same-- outdated and ridiculous.  And we can look back on yelling jerks in the cafeteria with judgment, not me and Mimi, who just want to walk with our hands bound together.

Oh yeah, and one last thing...

You know what I'm excited for? The day when I don't have to tag along that death-sentence of a question-- "do you have an issue with same-sex couples?" before I show up somewhere with my girlfriend.  For most general life things, it's not an issue.  Well, it's not an issue, mostly, because we don't let it be an issue.  If someone has a problem it's their problem.  But after the first wedding-related place or two, I learned it was easier to call ahead and slip "it" (the gayness...) into conversation, or ask the question directly to protect me and mine.  The first place that we perused rings looked from me to her and back again and said, "so... you two are marrying each other?" When we said yes, he waved across the entire store and said, "yeah, well engagement rings are all throughout the store," and that's the last he spoke to us. Nothing makes a romantic moment less romantic, or more awkward. [Note: a more complete list of vendors/shops that we recommend and those that we don't will be published just as soon as we actually get to the engagement part ;-), but in the meantime, we'll leave it at some places are quite accommodating and some are not.]

Even the places that don't judge, still have a difficult time understanding.  This, of course, is far more forgivable, but at one particular shop I believe we had to articulate at least half a dozen times: "no, we're not best friends it's..."; "no, there are two brides because it's the same wedding"; "no, no, not a double wedding, we're getting married to each other."  And then to the next person we interacted with, "no, it's..." and all over again.  By the fifth person in, my best friend was introducing us as, "hi, they're getting married to each other!"

People mean well.  Well-- some people mean well.  Regardless, I'm excited for the day when "relationship" or "romantic" endeavors don't explain quite so much explanation, when my girlfriend is automatically my "very close best friend," when we don't get stopped in the street and asked, "is there a particular reason you're holding hands?*" [*True story.  Our first date.  That first tentative hand held and we got hassled by some drunk frat guys. Oh, the life.] Things are great now, and I certainly can't complain, but I have to admit I am very excited for that day when.

(Un)Traditional

I've realized something recently-- until Mimi I don't think I've ever really thought about getting married.  I mean, as a kid I did, but not seriously.  And then in college when all of the other girls had "wedding fever" (side effect of a Christian university, I think) I just wasn't that into it. When I started dating women I started visualizing what a wedding would be like, but this is toooootally different.  With an engagement promised for the future, there comes a wedding too...  And that presents its own host of excitements and issues...

It's complicated, when you get right down to it.  So far as I know, there are no set-in-stone "traditions" for our particular "untraditional" union.  Not to mention, we legally can't get married where we live, which means we have no choice but to go elsewhere.  On top of that, we (audaciously) would like a marriage, not a civil union, or a partnership or any of the rest of that b.s., which narrows our options even further. Though I may not have been planning a wedding as a kid, I did know I wanted to be married one day and that hasn't changed.  Now, lucky for me, a great deal of my family is from that much more tolerant country to the north, which gives us an easy way to go there-- but what about our friends? My immediate family? *stress*.

Even more pressing-- do we see each other's dresses before the wedding? How are we supposed to pick out dresses that don't conflict without seeing them first?! (Ok, I understand that leaving the country to get married probably sounds more urgent, but come on-- the one thing every girl does consider is the dress... I always thought I would surprise my spouse, but... is that even possible?) Do we have friends attend both fittings and hope they give good advice? Do we just give it all up and buy the dresses together? Do we see the other's dress, but not on her? I'm telling you-- stress. But happy stress :).  I'm off to my first preliminary shopping adventures today, as a matter of fact.  I'm waaaay ahead of the game (especially given we're not actually engaged... oops!) but these brides-to-be are going to have to budget-the-goodness out of this shindig so it's pre-shopping, budgeting, and planning for me. Eek... I'm so nervous! But really... excited, to be honest :).

I'm going to get married one day... for real. Go figure. :-)

Love Chub

Love makes me fat. Never fails. I wish it weren't true, but it is.  Food has always been a happy thing for me, so when I'm happy and I want to celebrate-- I eat! That, coupled with someone adorable incessantly insisting I'm beautiful and it just seems right to keep on eating and smiling and loving.  But after a few too many months of that-- you get the love chub.  I am very in love-- and it shows.

So in efforts to overcome the love chub, Mimi and I resolved to loose the fluff and decided to embark on the  Metabolism Miracle. It's starts with an 8 week segment of very low carb intake (before later segments re-introduce carbs in a healthy way).  Very low.  We can have zero fruit, only certain vegetables (pretty much everything but carrots) and other than that only very "pure" foods. Meat, cheese, etc. No sugar, whatsoever. Only certain sweeteners, no milk, no yogurt.... and of course no bread/pretzels etc. (Side note: we discovered a day or two in that Mimi was probably 95% carb before this endeavor.  The book tells you the first 3 days are going to be the hardest, but on day 2 I was pretty convinced we had sentenced Mimi to her death.  I have never seen her so pale or so shaky... but... we're all ok now :). )

It's really interesting-- this is only week 2 (we did do the cliche start on Jan 1) and though I'm not supposed to/allowed to step on the scale for 8 weeks I can say that I fit a lot more comfortably in a few of those items that were just a bit too tight, so that's something.  We shall keep you updated but so far it's Love: 1; Chub: 0 on this here Day 10 of the Metabolism Miracle... here goes!

Not Good at "Long" Distance

When my parents were engaged, my grandfather was so disapproving, that he insisted they spend a year apart-- a country apart to be exact.  In order to receive his blessing, my mom had to return to the States (while my dad remained in Canada), they were only allowed one phone call a week, a limited number of letters, and one weekend visit a month.  If I remember the story correctly, my dad drove down from Canada all night for that once-a-month-visit so he could be there by 6 am Saturday morning and then left at midnight Sunday night.  That sounds awful.  I can't imagine doing something like that... I wouldn't do something like that.

A few months ago, through an elaborate series of events, Mimi became car-less.  We improvised for a while, sharing a car, borrowing cars, etc, but a week or so ago the borrow-a-car option kinda went away and because Mimi's work schedule no longer even kind of lines up with mine... we're stuck.  So even though she's been living here for almost two months, she's now part-timing it, between here, and closer to work... about 40 minutes away. It's pitiful but this is killing us.  The last time we saw each other was Monday night when I dropped her off and you would thing it was months ago by how we feel about it.  A w f u l.  I don't recommend it.  Seriously.

Nothing cute to say today-- just whining.  All I know is, I couldn't possibly do what my parents did.  Hell, I can barely do 40 minutes apart.  I cannot wait until we get this figured out, because this just isn't working.

Always better next to me :-)