Love, Hurt, and Conflict Resolution

I have not been in many relationships before this one, but I have been in several, and to be honest: we didn't really fight (in any of my other relationships.)  Maybe a disagreement now and then, which usually I won, but no fighting... Quite frankly, if we really didn't see something the same way, we just broke up.  And that was it.

Mimi and I, however, we fight.  We fight over stupid things and important things and completely trivial things.  We fight when I feel lied to, or when I feel hurt, or when she feels like I'm not really understanding her.  And when we fight, we definitely fight about that-- I feel like she's mean when we fight, and she feels like I take things too personally and to be honest, I'm sure both of us are kinda right.

Don't get me wrong.  We don't fight all the time.  But we do fight.  And usually when something new comes up that we haven't experienced (together) yet.  But when I thought about it, I realized, this isn't all that surprising.  We have spent twenty-some years, learning, growing, and living- apart.  Not only that, but we have done all of that growing in living in distinctly different environments.  So it isn't remotely surprising that our reactions to life wouldn't always line up, and more so-- that those differences would, on occasion, cause conflict.  And it occurred to me yesterday in the made-up-aftermath of our most recent fight, that maybe the fighting isn't such a bad thing.  We never stop loving each other when we fight, and though we get angry- maybe this is stuff we need to figure out?

Right now, we're safe.  We just have each other to take care of, we don't have anyone else around listening to us argue about how to handle the money, or the car, or work, or whatever.  And that's stuff we need to figure out! Since we did not grow up together, these aren't things that we naturally agree on 100% of the time, and I'm really glad that I'm finally close enough to someone that it's worth debating through the issues, even when it doesn't feel so fun at the time.

So my words to you-- love, live, and fight it out.  It's worth it! (Or at least that's what I'm hoping :). )

My First Valentine

In 7th grade, I think I got about 4 or 5 teddy bears (of various shapes in sizes) from assorted boys.  In 8th grade, I had a "real" boyfriend (because of course all genuine relationships occur when one is 13) and that year I got the kissing Halmark bears (2003 version, of course. See picture :). )

That was a pretty good Valentine's Day.  One time in high school I was with a guy for a while and I think I got some flowers... but for the most part, my relationships have stacked themselves nicely around Valentine's Day.  I tend to start dating people towards the end of the year and then break up with them right before Valentine's Day (the worst was when I broke up with my last (ever) boyfriend, February 13th... yeah...) Then of course pick up someone else right after Valentine's Day and it all falls apart long before Valentine's comes along the following year.

But this year... I have a Valentine! (Also, I know I'm a bit behind in posting, but we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day until this weekend so I wanted to wait until all festivities were out of the way... in the interest of full disclosure :). )  Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday, as you know, which is not very convenient.  Work, life, and everything made it a bit difficult to celebrate, but we made do.  I had Valentine's Day (though I was specifically instructed to be very low-key...)  I crept out of bed at 5 am to get breakfast ready... Cheese Blintz's (Of the Low-Carb, Metabolism Miracle appropriate variety :) ), coffee, and flowers.

Maybe not as lasting as the kissing bears, but I think we're moving in the right direction :). Anywho, Mimi's part of Valentine's Day was this weekend... We have spent the entire weekend in a Valentine's Date, and it has been wonderful. Friday, I got presents: a wine aerator, and... a promise ring to match hers :). 

Saturday, we hit up the IMA, lunch, movies and on and on... without risk of boring you in a detailed play-by-play, it was a really great first (real) Valentine's Day.  I have never really appreciated the holiday, but I've got to say-- all things considered, it's not so bad :).

To Whom It Should Concern-- Responses

The first, and possibly only response, came through this morning from Dr. Marie Morris.  Personally, I really appreciated it.  I'm still trying to evaluate how/if I should respond.  But her response echos the kind of respect that I have hoped for all along:

Dear ----,

It was with sadness and disappointment that I read your letter describing the negative reception you received while recently on campus.  Regardless of whether you were holding hands with your girlfriend as you walked through the Haven, the student responses you described were clearly not reflective of the values we wish to foster (servant leadership, integrity, excellence, responsibility, and generosity).  You and your friend did not experience a generosity of spirit or hospitality and for that I am sorry.

As you articulated in your letter there will always be points of disagreement given our cultural understandings, our individual interpretations of Scripture, the way we were brought up, etc.  However, God’s love and salvation are for all.  Jesus so powerfully illustrated this over and over again in his life on this earth.

The young adult years are an intense time of exploration, learning, and growth.  My hope is that one day the students that displayed these hurtful responses toward you and your friend will understand that this was inappropriate and immature.  And, my commitment is, that we will be a campus that can agree and disagree in love where our Christian humility allows us to extend to one another a generosity of spirit.  I do believe it is possible for us as a Church of God school to yield to the current official position of the church on certain life matters and still be respectful of differences and share the love of Christ to one another.  Again, I regret that such was not your experience.

Thank you for taking the time to write to our leadership team.  Your effort to share this painful experience tells me that you do indeed care deeply about your alma mater and that you understand the value of communication in fostering growth.

I wish you God’s richest blessings as you make your way in this world.  Please keep in touch and let us know from time to time how you are doing. If you would like to have further conversation, please do not hesitate to call me.

Warmly,

Dr. Marie S. Morris