To Whom It Should Concern

My apologies ahead of time for the length of this post, but after the events of this weekend I decided to send a letter of concern to the powers that be at Anderson University.  The following was sent to Dr. James L Edwards, Dr. Marie Morris, and Dr. Brent Baker. (Note, I have removed only my name and address from the letter below):

31 January 2012

Anderson University
1100 East Fifth St
Anderson, IN 46012

To whom it should concern,

I graduated from Anderson University this past May, proud of the school I was a part of.  I had my share of difficulties at AU, but I still left it feeling part of that family.  I graduated with honors, completed a major and two minors, played in the band, worked with the theatre, held a student job, and was completely immersed in AU.  Meanwhile, I was closeted, from myself, and then from others for most of my time there.  I came out publicly only in the last weeks before graduation, and, overwhelmed by the support of friends, and some quiet, but well-wishing faculty, I imagined that perhaps some of my fears in my years there had been misplaced.

This weekend, while visiting AU, I remembered why I had been afraid, why I had been scared to live out all those years.  The first time my girlfriend and I walked through the Haven this past Saturday night, I felt several dozen eyes turn and stare with expressions ranging from confusion, to thinly-veiled disgust, to blatant hatred, zoning in on our hands clasped together.  A student reached out and grabbed at my girlfriend’s arm.  She stopped and he asked her something erroneous and inoffensive, but it didn’t feel right, so we answered quickly and walked away.  Some fifteen, twenty minutes later when we returned, they were ready. 

A group of a half-dozen students were staring from the second we stepped back into the room, and as soon as we appeared within earshot, they began.  I won’t repeat exactly what they said—in part, because it isn’t appropriate, and in part, because all of the hatred seemed to smack me in the face, and I rebelled against it.  I stopped listening, kept walking, and begged my girlfriend and my friends to follow suit.  The specifics of what was shouted at us, my friends had to recount to me later.  I am not proud of this.  I wish, in the moment, I had been strong enough to stand there and explain their ignorance, to face their lewd and sexually inappropriate taunts, to show I am stronger than their hatred.  But in the moment, I ran.  Though this lash-out was from only a room-full of people, it felt like the slap in the face I had always feared was coming.  It felt like the slap I was always afraid AU would land across my face.  And I know it is the culmination of a belief-system, and a culture that has been allowed at Anderson University for far too long.

I love Anderson University.  I invested four years of my life, more than a hundred thousand dollars, and any number of tears, laughs, and so much more in that place.  I have formed some of my closest and most intimate relationships.  I met and worked with faculty that changed my life.  But I also heard a lot that hurt.  Though I took part in a lot of enlightening debates, I also observed and a lot of painful ones where Biblical truths were twisted, and God was used to condemn people, groups, and so on.  I endured conversations on women’s role in life that made my stomach turn.  I listened to people vilify same-sex relationships and use God to do it.  I listened to a university president tell students never to expect a faculty member to say that “being homosexual is ok.”  I listened to a vice president express his concerns that publically discussing the (possible) blend of homosexuality and Christianity sounded too much like the “gay agenda passing through this country.”  And worse still, I heard these ideas repeated in the student body.  I heard Sunday school lectures repeated back about unnatural relations, and God-proclaimed inequality, and spouted like gospel. 

When these teachings lead a group of students to feel comfortable publicly ridiculing a couple they don’t agree with, they have gone too far.  I once heard it argued that the students who are against homosexuality have as much right as those for it to attend the school and express their opinions.  This is so.  But when a university and its teaching empower this kind of public hatred, something is terribly, terribly wrong.  The friends who currently or have previously attended AU have been horrified, but not surprised to hear of our experience.  In fact, not a single current/former student I have spoken with was surprised that we were taunted, belittled, and publicly degraded.  The reaction of friends and colleagues outside of the AU network to this interaction has been a mix of disgust, shock, and a seemingly-automatic, “well, you know Christians…”

What world do we live in?  What belief system do we support?  That public degradation is considered a typical Christian response.  What environment does AU claim that students aren’t even remotely surprised?  Even if every member of the AU student body and faculty believed to their core that my same-sex relationship condemns me to hell, what, in any of the teachings of Christianity suggests that such a response is appropriate?  Were Jesus himself in the Haven that day, would he have been sitting at a table, laughing at our exchange, or would he have been holding my other hand, shaking his head in sadness and disgust?  Which are the tables in the temple to be upturned?  Mine or theirs?  Which of us is the disgrace?

As you may already be aware, several different universities have begun conducting studies on the impact of a Christian college environment on homosexual students.  I, myself, have participated in two of these studies.  I hope someday soon these studies are published, and I hope someday sooner still Anderson University, along with other “Christ-centered” universities begins to understand the crisis that is instilling and empowering hatred deep within its students.  Lucky for everyone, I suppose, I am as insignificant as an alumni and my girlfriend as an innocent passerby.  What if I had been a potential student?  A potential benefactor? A faculty-member’s daughter?  Do you disapprove of me so much that you would want me and anyone I’m affiliated with to stay out of AU all together?  Though you may not agree with everything I have to say, I think I made a positive impact at AU while I was there, and though you may not want to, I think you would agree.

I had finally convinced myself that my fears were unfounded.  That though my beliefs might differ with some of the student body’s, at our core, we were Christ-centered, love-centered, individuals and that was the most important thing.  But the eyes staring at me Saturday, the words thrown at me and my friends, were not Christ or love-centered, and that kind of feeling is not born, it’s made, it’s grown, and Anderson University is feeding the flame.  I do not send these words, or these concerns, in anger or hatred.  I send these words, because too many of us have endured that kind of treatment, or live(d) in anxiety, because of what the “Christians” might do if they found out the truth.  Equal, fair, and loving treatment has nothing to do with who you think is “right” and “wrong.”  Disapprove of me if you will, but deny me the love of Christ, deny me the right to that same love, and deny everything the university and our belief system stands on.  You may not like that I’m gay, but you should be horrified that our faith, and our university is affiliated with this kind of hatred.  

Sincerely,

www.anderson.edu
 

Righteous Condemnation

For the most part, Mimi and I don't place too much stock in other's dissenting opinions.  It doesn't happen all the time, but if we're holding hands we get stares when we're shopping, or walking, or whichever.  Normally people don't say anything-- you can just feel looks of confusion, or the occasional look of thinly-veiled disgust.  But that's just the life.  Other people don't have to be happy about us, we're happy, and that's more than good enough.

And for the most part, we don't run into a lot of problems.  All of our mutual friends love us (obviously), so it's not an issue.  My coworkers could care less, Mimi has even attended several work events with me.  My family knows and loves her, and it's very easy to fall into this world where it feels like it we're not any different than anyone else.

And then I go back to places like Anderson University, and the world feels a little more narrow.  Anderson University is a Church of God school.  Included in the schools "lifestyle agreement" (which must be signed by all students) is a clause that says same-sex relationships are not allowed or appropriate. (I believe the last time the Church of God reviewed the spiritual validity of same-sex relationships was 1993.  The 1993 statute stands that homosexuals shouldn't be rejected, but also should not be encouraged or given any position of power or leadership in the church.  Anyway...)  

The first time Mimi and I walked through the cafe holding hands we felt forty or so people turn and stare.  Angry, angry stares.  Someone grabbed out and touched Mimi to say something-- nothing offensive, I don't think, just something, to touch one of "the lesbians."  I pulled her away and we kept going.  But when we came back, they were ready.  And I don't know what it is, but I found it hard to shake off the yelling judgement of a half dozen loud-mouth athletes, and a staring crowd.  They didn't say anything original.  Something about body parts I don't think it's appropriate to mention on the internet, and our faces, and let's just say it was offensive, ignorant, and rude.  My (straight) friend told them as much, and we just kept walking.

But it's the next morning and I still haven't shaken it off.  What I wonder, in all their Christ-empowered condemnation do they think Christ would approve of? Even if (and I do not believe as much) the God who created every living thing, myself and my love included, wasn't pleased with my choice of relationship, do you think he would should sexual insults at me as I passed? I happened to go to that school.  I graduated having taken many of the same classes those jerks are in now.  And though Anderson University taught me things I didn't necessarily agree with, they never taught me to expect a God like that-- and yet there the cool guys sit, trying to grab a hold of me or my girlfriend, excited for the show.

Not too long ago, interracial relationships were against the rules at that same school-- unequally yoked and what not.  Now any current student looks back on those times with disgust.  I look forward to the day when the same-sex relationship rule is regarded as the same-- outdated and ridiculous.  And we can look back on yelling jerks in the cafeteria with judgment, not me and Mimi, who just want to walk with our hands bound together.

Oh yeah, and one last thing...

You know what I'm excited for? The day when I don't have to tag along that death-sentence of a question-- "do you have an issue with same-sex couples?" before I show up somewhere with my girlfriend.  For most general life things, it's not an issue.  Well, it's not an issue, mostly, because we don't let it be an issue.  If someone has a problem it's their problem.  But after the first wedding-related place or two, I learned it was easier to call ahead and slip "it" (the gayness...) into conversation, or ask the question directly to protect me and mine.  The first place that we perused rings looked from me to her and back again and said, "so... you two are marrying each other?" When we said yes, he waved across the entire store and said, "yeah, well engagement rings are all throughout the store," and that's the last he spoke to us. Nothing makes a romantic moment less romantic, or more awkward. [Note: a more complete list of vendors/shops that we recommend and those that we don't will be published just as soon as we actually get to the engagement part ;-), but in the meantime, we'll leave it at some places are quite accommodating and some are not.]

Even the places that don't judge, still have a difficult time understanding.  This, of course, is far more forgivable, but at one particular shop I believe we had to articulate at least half a dozen times: "no, we're not best friends it's..."; "no, there are two brides because it's the same wedding"; "no, no, not a double wedding, we're getting married to each other."  And then to the next person we interacted with, "no, it's..." and all over again.  By the fifth person in, my best friend was introducing us as, "hi, they're getting married to each other!"

People mean well.  Well-- some people mean well.  Regardless, I'm excited for the day when "relationship" or "romantic" endeavors don't explain quite so much explanation, when my girlfriend is automatically my "very close best friend," when we don't get stopped in the street and asked, "is there a particular reason you're holding hands?*" [*True story.  Our first date.  That first tentative hand held and we got hassled by some drunk frat guys. Oh, the life.] Things are great now, and I certainly can't complain, but I have to admit I am very excited for that day when.

(Un)Traditional

I've realized something recently-- until Mimi I don't think I've ever really thought about getting married.  I mean, as a kid I did, but not seriously.  And then in college when all of the other girls had "wedding fever" (side effect of a Christian university, I think) I just wasn't that into it. When I started dating women I started visualizing what a wedding would be like, but this is toooootally different.  With an engagement promised for the future, there comes a wedding too...  And that presents its own host of excitements and issues...

It's complicated, when you get right down to it.  So far as I know, there are no set-in-stone "traditions" for our particular "untraditional" union.  Not to mention, we legally can't get married where we live, which means we have no choice but to go elsewhere.  On top of that, we (audaciously) would like a marriage, not a civil union, or a partnership or any of the rest of that b.s., which narrows our options even further. Though I may not have been planning a wedding as a kid, I did know I wanted to be married one day and that hasn't changed.  Now, lucky for me, a great deal of my family is from that much more tolerant country to the north, which gives us an easy way to go there-- but what about our friends? My immediate family? *stress*.

Even more pressing-- do we see each other's dresses before the wedding? How are we supposed to pick out dresses that don't conflict without seeing them first?! (Ok, I understand that leaving the country to get married probably sounds more urgent, but come on-- the one thing every girl does consider is the dress... I always thought I would surprise my spouse, but... is that even possible?) Do we have friends attend both fittings and hope they give good advice? Do we just give it all up and buy the dresses together? Do we see the other's dress, but not on her? I'm telling you-- stress. But happy stress :).  I'm off to my first preliminary shopping adventures today, as a matter of fact.  I'm waaaay ahead of the game (especially given we're not actually engaged... oops!) but these brides-to-be are going to have to budget-the-goodness out of this shindig so it's pre-shopping, budgeting, and planning for me. Eek... I'm so nervous! But really... excited, to be honest :).

I'm going to get married one day... for real. Go figure. :-)

Love Chub

Love makes me fat. Never fails. I wish it weren't true, but it is.  Food has always been a happy thing for me, so when I'm happy and I want to celebrate-- I eat! That, coupled with someone adorable incessantly insisting I'm beautiful and it just seems right to keep on eating and smiling and loving.  But after a few too many months of that-- you get the love chub.  I am very in love-- and it shows.

So in efforts to overcome the love chub, Mimi and I resolved to loose the fluff and decided to embark on the  Metabolism Miracle. It's starts with an 8 week segment of very low carb intake (before later segments re-introduce carbs in a healthy way).  Very low.  We can have zero fruit, only certain vegetables (pretty much everything but carrots) and other than that only very "pure" foods. Meat, cheese, etc. No sugar, whatsoever. Only certain sweeteners, no milk, no yogurt.... and of course no bread/pretzels etc. (Side note: we discovered a day or two in that Mimi was probably 95% carb before this endeavor.  The book tells you the first 3 days are going to be the hardest, but on day 2 I was pretty convinced we had sentenced Mimi to her death.  I have never seen her so pale or so shaky... but... we're all ok now :). )

It's really interesting-- this is only week 2 (we did do the cliche start on Jan 1) and though I'm not supposed to/allowed to step on the scale for 8 weeks I can say that I fit a lot more comfortably in a few of those items that were just a bit too tight, so that's something.  We shall keep you updated but so far it's Love: 1; Chub: 0 on this here Day 10 of the Metabolism Miracle... here goes!

Not Good at "Long" Distance

When my parents were engaged, my grandfather was so disapproving, that he insisted they spend a year apart-- a country apart to be exact.  In order to receive his blessing, my mom had to return to the States (while my dad remained in Canada), they were only allowed one phone call a week, a limited number of letters, and one weekend visit a month.  If I remember the story correctly, my dad drove down from Canada all night for that once-a-month-visit so he could be there by 6 am Saturday morning and then left at midnight Sunday night.  That sounds awful.  I can't imagine doing something like that... I wouldn't do something like that.

A few months ago, through an elaborate series of events, Mimi became car-less.  We improvised for a while, sharing a car, borrowing cars, etc, but a week or so ago the borrow-a-car option kinda went away and because Mimi's work schedule no longer even kind of lines up with mine... we're stuck.  So even though she's been living here for almost two months, she's now part-timing it, between here, and closer to work... about 40 minutes away. It's pitiful but this is killing us.  The last time we saw each other was Monday night when I dropped her off and you would thing it was months ago by how we feel about it.  A w f u l.  I don't recommend it.  Seriously.

Nothing cute to say today-- just whining.  All I know is, I couldn't possibly do what my parents did.  Hell, I can barely do 40 minutes apart.  I cannot wait until we get this figured out, because this just isn't working.

Always better next to me :-)